An emotional facial: The facialist’s gentle movements across my face spirit away the feeling of your lips and skin on my face. Her skilled use of the jade roller and gua sha jade tool across my facial muscles, tense from jaw-clenching, start to relax me and bring tears to my eyes. The facialist says my back is really tense and recommends a back massage. I wonder if she knows how she just unleashed some feelings and how she would react if I burst into tears right here and now? I brush these thoughts aside and return back to my forced, breezy, chatty manner, my newly-glossy face masking any sadness. I give her my credit card and spend on things I don’t really need.
Beautiful and not so beautiful realisations: I ended things with you Joe 2 days ago – it was the right thing to do but I am sad. You are, unequivocally, the best sex of my life. Our chemistry was off the charts – your smell, your taste, your touch all aroused me so much that I could always feel a puddle forming inside me when we were together, waiting to receive you. I had sex with you earlier in the dating process than I might have normally (date 6) – the desire on both sides was strong but it was me that tipped the scale and suggested that we go back to yours. The last few times we saw each other we were like animals – we would just kiss and tear at each other’s clothes. When our bodies fused together, it almost felt like we were one person – two jigsaw pieces making a puzzle whole.
You left me with a beautiful realisation – for the first time I was able to orgasm with a man inside me. Your huge cock opened me up so wide and plumbed depths that were untouched before. A few days after, I am in amazement that my body can do that and I feel grateful to you for showing me that, despite the sadness over ending things.
Even though the last time was a marathon session, I just wanted more, more, more…! I only felt sore the day after and the day after that – deep in the depths of me there was a dull ache I haven’t had before. I wonder if the ache is there because I knew I was about to end things or if it is because you slightly bruised the depths of me in our marathon – probably a bit of both. I am perpetually aroused after being with you, even after we ended things – I see other men notice it and want me too. They don’t even have to see me – I seem to exude a smell or energy that makes a few guys turn around and take me in with their eyes. I wonder if it was as good for you as it was for me – I think so but then again, you would say plenty of things that you didn’t seem to mean in practice.
Flowers: The emotional side of things is where we got unstuck. There were plenty of red flags that I set aside for the sake of the chemistry, compassion and mind-blowing sex. The last time we met I already knew that it may be the last – for me, things were hanging off a thread at that point. I wonder if you knew too. Your face looked slightly apprehensive when you met me for lunch that day, holding a bouquet of pink roses in your hand. I had told you before that roses are my favourite type of flower – a few times before then, when you hadn’t known my favourite, you had bought me freesias and lilies. They were nice and I felt grateful but they were not really me – especially not the lilies that came as green buds and flowered with a spray of orange pollen for weeks after, leaving an orange powdery trace wherever I put the vase. Perhaps it’s symbolic that I’d had enough and I’d cut off the pollen stems when I noticed them leaving their pointless orange vestiges around my flat. Their smell was cloying – a bit like the heaviness I started to feel about us, which I now attribute to your self-professed self-hatred and my building anxiety over where we were going.
When you began to feature in my heart I became afraid and I shut you out – I assure myself that I wouldn’t have done that if you had made me feel like you had true feelings for me too; made me feel secure in our relationship. When I ended it, you did very little to fight for me to stay and that reinforces for me that I was right to leave. Still, I remember it all as a way of enjoying the memory of you a little but longer, making sense of it all on this page to cleanse you out of me…
The lunch: That last day I had just returned from a 9 day holiday and met you for lunch a few hours after I landed. We sat next to each other and you were quiet – you listen to and interact with my updates from my trip and you look at me with Bambi-like eyes. I hold your large cold hands one by one to warm them up and I stroke your face and hair. We have some sweet kisses after we finish our food – things begin to stir inside me. You whisper as we finish lunch that you have started to get aroused and hide your crotch with your jacket.
The Birthday Present: We get up and walk over to my flat – I give you your birthday present, which I had carefully thought through and wrapped. You turned 45 today – we had only been seeing each other for 8 weeks by this point so my present (sporty all-weather gloves for your perpetually cold hands) is thoughtful but not overly expensive. I don’t want you to think I am too invested because, the truth is that I’m scared; I have doubts triggered by you. Neither one of us have left the dating app where we met and some other guy has started messaging me and I’m not sure what to do about it…
You are very grateful for your present and almost surprised at how thoughtful I was, as if you don’t think you deserve it (and in hindsight, you probably don’t). I hug you and we start kissing – I’m on my tip toes because you are 6 foot 5, over a foot taller than me! We move to the bedroom pretty swiftly – we both knew this wasn’t just lunch after 9 days apart. I asked you if you missed me and you shrugged it off with a joke – later on, as you move inside me you say: “It has been too long – I missed you”. Of course you missed the sex, I think to myself – I’d missed it too.
Truly Madly Deeply: The clothes fly off – your tall athletic naked body towers over me as I lie on the bed. My flat is cold so you take the duvet and pull it over us, creating a warm cocoon around our embracing bodies – an animal’s lair. Your height and mine are surprisingly compatible – when you hug me in the missionary position I can feel your skin enveloping, touching me everywhere and your mouth does not leave mine. I spread my legs and wrap them around you – you need me to guide your cock inside me, which I do. It always feels incredibly tight at first but then you slip into the wet puddle you created inside me. I feel you slipping in deep and I gasp. You start to move slowly at first and I lose myself to the sensations as you speed up. You whisper “So deep, I’m so deep” over and over again. We fuck in missionary position for a long time – I begin to feel what I think is a vaginal orgasm building and I’m in awe. You control yourself from coming to prolong my pleasure. After I don’t know how long, you have to stop to rest and cool down – your brow is sweaty. We embrace and rest for 5 minutes and then you ask if we can do it doggy style. I had suggested this first a while ago as it’s my favourite position but it seems to be yours too.
Take it all: That first time doggy style, you say (or almost shout (sorry neighbours…)) “Take it! Take it all!” as you plough deeply into me and I love it – I masturbate to that afterwards. I wonder what makes me like that so much – the domination or the sensations?
As I lie down on my belly this time, spread my legs, arch my back and guide you inside me, I ask you to kiss my neck and upper back – you dutifully oblige the whole time you fuck me from behind and I am in complete ecstasy. Waves of pleasure ripple all through my body – your cock bounces off my cervix and I start to get mini orgasms each time they connect. My whole body is shaking and I whimper as you carry on plunging into me. For a while it seems like we might come together – another first for me! You control yourself from coming and you angle both of us to the side, still attached to each other. You start to rub my clit with your huge fingers while you move inside me – I go completely silent as I’m about to explode at any moment. You slip out of me in the very moment of my orgasm and I wish you’d come back. You say we need to stop – you are spent. My orgasm ends things for you too.
Post-coital errors: I ask why you didn’t come – you say you were desperately trying not to earlier, that you loved being inside me and then things just passed. I make a mental note to ponder later if this is ok but I feel fine in the moment since you seem perfectly happy with our marathon. You ask what time it is – 5 pm. We’d finished lunch at 3 pm so the marathon lasted 2 hours! I say “Damn, we have to have daytime sex more often!” and you say ” Daytime AND night-time!”. WOW – it is simply amazing, I think as I lie still next to you.
I’m emotionally fragile after what just happened and this is where things go wrong. You have to go now – you have your birthday drinks to get to. I say ok, I can get ready pretty quickly – you ask if you can go and I meet you there later, you don’t want to be late for your friends. A pang hits me in the gut – I say no, I can get ready in 15 mins. It would be so awkward to walk in by myself – I’d never met any of your friends before so I’d rather go with you so you can introduce me. To which you counter that this is really just a bunch of guys drinking beer in the pub, that you’d invited me out of courtesy but that you didn’t mean for me to come really as a smelly pub is no place for me. I say ok, I fancy a night in after my travels and the marathon but inside I’m sinking. I wonder why you have to hide me away or why you need me to come later. As if you need to tell them I exist and brief them not to tell me something that is meant to be a secret from me. We say bye nicely and you leave without any drama from me but I know I’m done with you when the door closes. I nap numbly in bed for 2 hours after and start to add up pieces of this puzzle to explain to myself the final stop where we just arrived.
Pieces of the puzzle: It had already hit me before my holiday when you hardly made time to see me that your words didn’t match your actions and I had flagged this to you – I had said that I expected to be included in your life, meet your friends and that we should make some plans together. You agreed and invited me to your birthday back then – I didn’t want to be in a smelly pub with a bunch of guys but this was a test from me which you failed when it came down to it. My INFJ / HSP mind had been collecting various clues to your personality and background in the weeks that we had dated – here are a few.
- Shyness / Aspergers: On our second date, when I asked you if you knew your Myers Briggs personality type, you said Aspergers. It made sense to me because your dating profile had said you were shy and you seemed socially anxious and almost childishly earnest. The moment you said it, you almost became defensive – so when I said Aspergers has nothing to do with Myers Briggs, you said quickly “There is nothing wrong with Aspergers! There are many genius Aspergers people who do really well so it can be a blessing!” which I agreed with and we left it there. I researched all about it after you mentioned it – I read how some Aspies are asexual, loyal and faithful, they all need a lot of time to themselves and can have dramas in relationships because their mind just works differently. So I instigated sex earlier than I otherwise would have (and was pleasantly surprised that you loved it so much – you said it was only like this with me), I asked you a lot of questions and became very patient about the amount of time you needed to spend away from me. But it seems I lowered my standards too far.
- Love-bombing: The first time you came to my flat for dinner, you said you loved the space, all the plants I keep and me. You said that final part so markedly that I was left stunned and didn’t really respond. It was too soon for me to say it. I also thought it was too soon for you to say it – you didn’t truly know me so I took this as a sign of love-bombing. There were various other signs – you were constantly complimenting me and saying things targeted to make me invest in you – all the things you want us to do together, none of which seemed to materialise. Before I slept with you, I made it clear I am only interested in having a relationship (not just fun) and asked what is it that you are looking for. You said: “I don’t know.” – a thing that players say when all they want is sex… When I flinched, you amended your answer – you are open to all possibilities, it takes time for you to get to know a person but in principle, you are a long-term relationship kind of guy. At one point you gave me an original childhood photo of you which I was instructed to keep for you – to me it is a very intimate thing and, whilst I might show someone a digital copy, I would never give someone an original of one of my childhood photos. To go from “I love you” to amazing sex, to hardly seeing me before my holiday due to plans with others, to disinviting me from your birthday, triggered my insecurity which caused me to shut down on you.
- The divorce / rebound / other woman? You got divorced a few years ago. She “upgraded” you for a richer guy, took your house and cat. You said you never really loved her – that you married her within a few months of meeting because it was time to settle down. You said you had hoped she would find someone new towards the end. I wondered why you didn’t just leave if you were unhappy, instead of waiting for her to leave? The last time we met you said (with emotion in your voice) that at some point your life had become all about her – you had nothing else and it sounded like she had walked all over you. To be left at that point must have been a terrible betrayal but you don’t acknowledge that. You even said you caught up with her once during lockdown and you wished her a happy birthday a few months ago – I was shocked that you would ever dignify such a person with any kind of communication. Unbeknownst to you, I googled her and noticed marked similarities in how we look and we even have similar careers. I brushed that aside as “he must just have a type” but I wonder if that is why you couldn’t introduce me to your friends and family? Did I remind you of her? Was I the rebound that you did things to that you wished you had done to your wife? Once I chuckled that I might bump into you with your parents because I would be in the same area as you that weekend and you went bright red and said that would be very awkward. I had that gut-punch feeling but didn’t know what to do with that. I asked you why and you said you have an odd relationship with your mum and that introducing partners to her is something you find very awkward. I accepted your answer because I had read that Aspies can’t really lie (and you had said so yourself) but I wonder if there is more to the story. Was there someone else? All those times you were busy at weekends – on hiking trips, at drinks, cinema clubs you could have invited me to…
- Self-hatred / childhood: You said you did not have a happy childhood. You had disowned your real dad a few years ago and you had an odd relationship with your mum. You kept saying that I am so much better than you, that I am much smarter etc – and I told you to stop saying that as it hurt me to hear how little you thought of yourself. In our final post-coital chat you said you felt self-hatred – it put a lot of things into context for me. Can a person that hates themselves ever really love another properly? Or do they start to demean and lower their partner through actions designed to shake confidence and make them insecure so that the self-hater can ensure that the partner stays? I did not stick around to find out as the taster I got was enough for me.
Endings: After the birthday test fiasco, my INFJ shutdown was in force and I didn’t feel like seeing you at all. We had made various plans but I contacted you to cancel them and I told you my thoughts, which echo what I had said before my holiday. How this is too casual, how I don’t feel you are ready for anything other than a casual relationship and that I feel hurt. You try to schedule a coffee to see me so we can talk and start to make plans together – I say no, but in truth I would have seen you if you had turned up at my door. You gave up too easily and that sealed my decision. A few days later I messaged you that I can’t continue to spend time with someone that undervalues me, even if it’s subconscious. I was not prepared to betray myself in getting less than I want or deserve – that I know what it feels like to be appreciated and cherished by a man and this was not it. You replied fairly swiftly, saying that I am doing the right thing. Life is short and I should be with a man that makes me feel happy and fulfilled. WOW. My mum and sis told me this is a sign that you were never really invested in the whole thing and I couldn’t agree more. I feel a bit foolish for missing all the signs, but there is a large part of me that feels sadness for you as this whole thing just seems like self-sabotage. Did we both just give up on the best sex of our lives?
Joe – I know you will never read this, but I truly hope you will get help to address your low self esteem and start to love yourself. I feel at peace because I reaffirmed my own self-worth in leaving a situation which was not worthy of me. I contemplated whether I should stay and help you through all this but my gut said no – so now it’s time to message the other guy! 😉